Read at beginning of service:
2 Timothy 4:1-8 (NIV)
1 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: 2 Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage–with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4 They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5 But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. 6 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day–and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
INTRODUCTION
Today we?re continuing in our series about thinking clearly. We?ve looked at “Thinking Clearly About Problems,” “Thinking Clearly About Relationships,” “Thinking Clearly About Change,” “Thinking Clearly About Sex” and today I want us to look at “Thinking Clearly About Stress”.
Stress is not something caused on the outside. It?s something that?s caused inside you. When we get under stress we blame our circumstances. They are not the cause of your stress. No, no! Stress is the response. Stress is in your mind. It?s how you react to circumstances. You could put two people in the exact same circumstances and one will be stressed out and the other is not. Why? It?s the way you think about it. If I told you a nuclear warhead was coming and going to hit this building in five minutes, you would be stressed. Whether it was true or not, if you thought it, you would be stressed. Stress is a combination of emotions. Worry, guilt, fear, bitterness, anger, tension, anxiety ? all these things put together based on a way of thinking. That?s why the Bible says if you want to deal with stress, you?ve got to change the way you think.
2 Timothy 4:5, says “You should keep a clear mind in every situation.” Keep a clear mind. Circle “clear mind”. That?s what we?re talking about in this series “Clear Thinking”. When you?re stressed you don?t think clearly. You may be so stressed that you barely made it in today, but we?ve got some good news.
The first kind of stress is the stress of compromise.
A compromising situation.
You have these all the time. It?s when you?re pressured to do something that you don?t want to do. Or when you?re pressured to do something you know is the wrong thing to do. When you were in school, this was called peer pressure. You remember you were pressured to do things you didn?t want to do but the crowd was doing it so you went ahead and had to make the decision ? “Do I go against the crowd or do I do the right thing.”
Do you remember the first time you were pressured to smoke a cigarette? Or the first time you were pressured to take a drink of alcohol? Or pressured to lose your virginity? Maybe you were pressured to let somebody cheat off your test paper. You had a choice to make and at that moment you were under stress.
We have this today in the business world because everyday you?re making business decisions of “Am I going to put people over profits? Am I going to tell the truth and lose the sale or tell a lie and make the sale?” Ethical, moral decisions confront you every single day as a parent as a partner as a professional. What are you going to do?
The Bible says that when you?re in the compromising situations of life there are two things that will reduce your stress over the long haul.
1. Do the right thing.
Always do the right thing. In the short term it may seem like doing the easy thing is easier but in the long term doing the right thing is always BEST!. In the long term it always ends up being less stressful. It may not be easier but it?s always less stressful. Why? Because when you do the easy thing and you compromise your conviction and you throw out your integrity and you do something dishonest, you carry either the guilt or the fear of being found out the rest of your life. Once you?ve made that decision, you?ve crossed the line and you?ve done something you know you shouldn?t have done, then you start wondering, “Will I ever get caught?” And that stress continues long after the person who did the right thing has forgotten the whole incident.
Here?s how the devil works in your life. He wants to make you miserable, so before you do something that?s lacking integrity, he will say, “Nobody?s ever going to find out. Go ahead and do this.” The moment you do it, he?s going to start saying, “Everybody?s going to find out. Everybody?s going to know about this.” You?re immediately under tension and you?re wondering if the skeleton is going to come out of the closet and will I be found out. And even me talking about it right now some of you are already thinking of things you hope people will never find out.
Why are you still worried about those things? Because you didn?t show integrity at that moment. And you went the wrong way. And that causes stress. You should always do the right thing even if it?s painful in the short term because in the long term you won?t have the stress.
Proverbs 10:9, “People with integrity have a firm footing, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall.”
Circle “will”. People who don?t have integrity they will slip and they will fall. Count on it. It is inevitable. It is going to happen. It is not a maybe or a might happen. What you sow you reap. What goes around comes around. If you cheat other people, you?re going to get cheated. If you?re dishonest, people are going to be dishonest to you. What goes around comes around. So he says if you follow a crooked path, you?re going to slip and fall. That?s going to cause stress.
On the other hand, if you show integrity, you have a firm footing. That means you?re solid. Integrity is the only way to stay on track in life. It?s the only way you have a firm footing. Stay on track. One of the by-products of integrity is confidence. You have confidence. You don?t have to remember who you lied to. You just tell the truth. So it produces great confidence. “What you see is what you get. My life is an open book. Go ahead. Look at it. Check it out.” Because you?re walking with integrity.
Few things destroy integrity faster than greed. When money enters the picture, people tend to throw out their values, their integrity and everything else in order to get more. One of the fundamental decisions you?re going to have to make in life is what?s more important in my life truth or things. Those are the options. Truth or things. If truth is more important then when you come to a compromising situation you?re going to do the right thing. If things are more important you?ll give up truth. You?ll lie about it in order to get more money. To save money or to make money. But you?re going to have stress in your life. If you want to lower the stress in compromising situations the first thing you do is always do the right thing no matter what anybody else is saying.
Once you?ve done that, the second thing you do is?
2. Trust God for your future.
Proverbs 23:17-18, says “Don?t envy evil men but continue to reverence the Lord all the time, for surely you have a wonderful future ahead of you.”
When you?re doing the right thing and you?re making statements and choices based on integrity, you look around and you see people who don?t have any integrity and they?re prospering. It kind of gets you in the gut. Those people are ripping off people. They?re dishonest. They?re not playing by the rules. They are prospering? for now.
But what goes around comes around. The judgment hasn?t happened yet. They haven?t hit the wall yet. So God says don?t envy people who are dishonest. Don?t envy people who made their wealth by shady means, by unscrupulous ways to do it. And there are lots of ways to do it. There?s so many ways to cheat each other, here are a few out of the dictionary: swindle, defraud, dupe, trick, fleece, con, take advantage of, bilk, bamboozle, hoodwink, rip off, or scam. That?s just the first paragraph. And it went on and on.
It says don?t envy people who are getting wealthy or making progress by deceitful means. They don?t have a future. They?re going to hit the wall inevitably. They will be found out. What you sow you?ll reap.
On the other hand, if you have integrity ? you do the right thing even when it?s tough ? God says you have a wonderful future.
One time God told Isaiah in the Old Testament to do something that was very unpopular. He told him to say certain things. Isaiah didn?t want to do it but he did it anyway. It was unpopular and he wasn?t real happy about it. In fact he was kind of discouraged after he did the right thing. He had his doubts. He was second-guessing. He said, “I know it was the right thing to do but I just don?t feel good about it.” What did he do?
He kept on believing God. He kept on trusting God: “I know You are in charge. You?ve got a good future for me.” So he said this in Isaiah 49:4, “I leave it all in the Lord?s hands. I will trust God for my reward.” He kept on believing and left it all in God?s hands.
If you try to stand for anything in this world, you?re going to be criticized. Count on it. People don?t like people who say, “This is right” and “This is wrong.” Even though there is a right and a wrong. If you stand up for anything, you will be criticized. If you are a leader and you take the lead, if you call the shots you?re going to take the shots. If you are an innovator and a pioneer, the pioneers always get the arrows in the back. Count on it. The only way to not be criticized in life is do nothing, be nothing, say nothing. You?re going to be criticized. People are going to judge your motives, misjudge your reasons, put down your methods, say critical things about you. Don?t worry about it. Don?t get stressed out about it. Just trust the Lord and look to His future for you. I will leave it in the hands of God and will trust God for my reward.
As a leader I get criticized a lot. People say things about me. People think things about me that maybe I wish they didn?t. Some people say, “How do you handle that kind of stuff?” “I leave it all in the Lord?s hands. I will trust God for my reward.” Really, you only need to live for an audience of one ? the approval of God and that requires integrity.
What I’m saying is this. Some of you have done the right thing but you haven?t seen the reward yet. You did the right thing in your marriage and you stuck it our and it?s still not doing very good. You did the right thing with your kid. You did the right thing at work and you didn?t do the unethical thing and you don?t have the happy ending yet. What do you do in those kinds of situations? You trust God. You let God work in your life.
There?s a second kind of stress that some of you are familiar with right now?.
stress of conflict
Because we?re all different, because God made everyone of us differently, we?re all wired up differently, we all get into conflict. Conflict is never fun. It is always tough. Nobody really likes it. In fact, if you like conflict, you need to see a therapist. Or maybe you like to hear other people?s conflict and then figure them out.
Unfortunately most of us never learn the tools and the skills of conflict management. We don’t learn them from our parents. We don?t learn them in school. We just don?t get it. So we go through life not really knowing how to confront and resolve issues effectively. In fact, a lot of times when we get into a conflict, we make the matter worse by the things we do and we take a little thing and blow it into a big thing. I’m sure none of you have ever done that!
But the Bible gives us lots of advice on conflict management. There are tons and tons of principles in scripture on how to resolve conflicts with your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your parents, your children, your husband, your wife, other people, even enemies. Let me just mention two that are great stress relievers when you go through conflict.
1. Change your focus when you?re in a conflict.
That means intentionally switch your focus from focusing on your needs to focusing on the other person?s needs. From looking at your situation from your point of view to looking at their situation from their point of view.
I have counseled a few people over the years. I am convinced that the secret of conflict resolution starts with this issue of understanding where the other person is coming from. The more you understand where the other person is coming from the less you have to argue about. You?ll see what they?re talking about. You need to understand their fears ? what?s the motivation behind it? Their motivations, their temperament. How are they wired? Their personality. You need to understand their background, their values, their beliefs. You need to understand their hurts, how they?ve been hurt in the past. The more you understand another person, the easier it is to communicate with them and the less likelihood there?s going to be conflict.
How do you learn the circumstances, the background, the temperament, all those things of the person you?re in conflict with. Simple. You?ve got to listen more than you talk.
That is not easy. When you?re in competition and conflict, you want to do all the talking. You want them to understand you! And you want to explain all the reasons why you?re right. You don?t want to stop and listen to them ? that?s immaterial. “What I want to tell you is what?s really the truth, so just listen. ? When I want you to interrupt, I?ll tell you.” In conflict, all you care about is getting your side out. You don?t care about listening to them. That?s why we have conflict.
God gave you two ears sand one mouth so you should listen twice as much as you talk. It?s a visual reminder of what you should do in a conversation. You listen. You change your focus.
Philippians 2:3-6 talks about this change of focus. “Don?t be selfish. Be humble. Don?t think only about your own affairs. Be interested in others too and what they are doing. Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though He was God He did not demand and cling to His rights.” This verse is packed.
First it says, “Don?t be selfish.” That is the number one reason for conflict. When I’m selfish and you?re selfish, we?re going to butt heads. If you can get rid of that one, you?ve lost fifty percent of the conflicts.
The second it says “Be humble”. That?s the second reason for conflict ? pride. When I’m full of pride and you?re full of pride, we?re going to have conflict.
If I get rid of selfishness and I get rid of pride, we?ve lost basically a hundred percent of our conflicts. We tend to just want to see it our way and do it our way. When we act out of pride, we?re demanding. We?re unsympathetic ? I want it my way. We hold grudges against people and hold in resentment. But most of all when we?re full of pride, we refuse to admit our mistakes. How many times have you been in an argument where you knew you were wrong but you spent thirty minutes trying to confuse the issue so you didn?t have to say you?re sorry? You?ve done that. You knew you were wrong and instead of just saying, “That was stupid. That was dumb. I shouldn?t have said that.” You?re saying, “What I really meant was?” and you?re making up all kinds of stuff just to cover your rear! The issue is you?re full of pride.
If you want to get rid of conflict, if you want to reduce the stress level in your family, in your neighborhood, at work it says be humble.
What is humility? Humility is often misunderstood. Humility is not running around, putting yourself down ? “I’m no good. I’m a doormat. I’m worthless. Whatever you want to do is fine.” That?s not humility. That?s false humility. Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It is thinking less about yourself in a particular conversation. If I’m more concerned with you, I’m not thinking about me. Humility isn?t thinking that I’m bad. Humility is just thinking more about you. It?s just thinking, “What are your needs? What are your hurts? What are your interests? How can I minister to you?”
Of course, the ultimate example of that is Jesus Christ. It says, “Your attitude should be the same as Jesus Christ though even though He was God, He didn?t demand and cling to His rights.” Circle “rights”.
Here in North America we are taught to stand up for our rights at any cost. There is a social issue where, yes, we are to defend the rights of all people in justice. But here in scripture, on a personal level, there?s a different ethic and that is you?re to give up your rights on a personal level.
Let?s review what it means to be a Christian, again. When you become a Christian, you commit your life to Christ. Because He gave His life for you, you give your life to Him. When you do that, you give Him all your needs, your hurts and your rights. You say, “God, I give You all the rights to my life.” They?re really His in the first place. It?s just acknowledging. He gives you, in exchange, the right to become a child of God, have your sins forgiven, go to heaven, have a purpose for living. So there?s an exchange there. So now if you?re a Christian, your rights belong to God.
How do you know when you?ve taken your rights back? There?s a real warning signal. It?s called anger. Any time you get angry it?s a big warning light that you have taken the rights that you?ve given to God and taken them back. You say, “I have a right to this! I deserve to be treated in this way!” What do you mean, you have a right? You gave your rights to God when you became a believer. When you give your rights to God, He says, “I will assume responsibility for them. I will be your defender and I will be your fulfiller.” Either you can fulfill your own needs or you can let God do it. Who can do a better job? You can either defend your rights or God can? Who can be a better defender? God says, “Give Me your rights, Give Me your needs, Give Me all these things. I?ll take care of them.” When you get angry it?s a warning sign that you have taken them back.
The funny thing is, we often take our wants and we turn them into rights. We think we have a right to them. For instance, “I have a right to a young beautiful wife, therefore I’m dropping you and getting this bimbo!” That’s not a right. “I have a right to a husband that makes a ton of money.” Oh yeah? Who says you have that right? You don?t have that right. It may be a want but it?s not a right. “I have a right to be appreciated… I have a right to be listened to? I have a right to be understood?” Those are needs but they?re not rights. “I have a right to be right! I have a right to be wrong. I have a right to get revenge.” No, you don?t. You are to forgive others because you have been forgiven by God. You are to do to others what God has done to you. Not take revenge. Not give people what they deserve but what they need.
Here?s my project for you today. Go home and make a list of all the rights that you think you have a right to and then give them back to God. Watch the anger and the conflict level in your life dramatically go down.
One of the reasons why you have conflict is you expect other people meet needs that only God can fulfill. When you expect other people to meet those needs, you?re expecting them to be God. They?re bound to fail, bound to disappoint you and you?re going to get mad at them ? “Why didn?t you meet my needs? Why didn?t you fulfill my rights?” It wasn?t necessarily their responsibility.
So this is the first principle of lowering the conflict. You want to focus on the other person and the second thing is you want to
2. Watch your words.
The Bible talks about attacking the problem not attacking each other. There?s a verse in Proverbs 18:20 (Good News) “You will have to live with the consequences of everything you say.” How many relationships have been destroyed because of a careless word spoken in the heat of anger during a conflict? Words do hurt. Words do wound mortally far more than other kinds of pain.
The Bible is very clear that there are some verbal weapons that you should never use. You should throw them out. It?s kind of like during the cold war when both Russia and America had an arsenal of atomic weapons. But neither of them used them against each other in all those years because of what they called MAD or Mutually Assured Destruction. That if we pull those weapons out we?re going to destroy the whole world. There are certain words, certain weapons that if you pull them out in your relationship whether you?re married or with a friend or somebody, you?re mutually assuring destruction of that relationship. Ephesians 4:29-32 is very clear about it. It says, “Don?t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement. Get rid of all the bitterness and rage and anger and harsh words and slander. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
God says these verbal weapons are out of bounds. Lock them up. Say these are taboo. We aren?t going to use these no matter how mad, how upset we are. We?re not going to talk this way to each other. Even in our worst arguments. Because all that?s going to do is make the thing worse. You never get your point across by being cross. You?re never persuasive when you?re abrasive. You need to throw those kind of words out. They?re ineffective. They just make the matters worse. And you will learn over time to remove these verbal weapons from your arsenal.
So, stress of compromise, stress of conflict. There?s a third kind of stress that we all have to deal with and that is the?
stress of competition.
We live in a very competitive culture..
In North America, because we?re in a competitive culture, from birth we are taught to compete with each other. As babies we compete for attention. In grade school we compete for grades, honors and recognition and to be first in the cafeteria line. We compete for promotions in business. We compete to be number one. We love being first. “We?re number one!” The only problem is there aren?t enough spots for everybody to be number one. So it leaves most of the world pretty miserable.
This is a stress that they don?t have in a lot of other cultures. But in our culture we have to live with the constant stress of performance, being good enough, moving ahead, keeping up with the Jones, being number one. Our culture loves winners.
How do you reduce this stress of competition in your life? The Bible again gives us some practical steps.
1. Stop comparing.
Just stop the habit of comparing yourself to other people. Of course, this is Canada?s favorite indoor sport. We love to compare kids ? you name it, we compare it! There are Top Ten lists for literally everything in our society ? Who?s the best and who?s the worst dress and on and on. The Bible says over and over again, it?s foolish to compare. It you?re comparing yourself to anyone else, you?re stupid. You?re acting dumb. You?re acting like a fool in that situation. Why? A couple of reasons.
i. You are unique. There?s nobody like you in the world so you can?t really compare yourself. God custom designed you be you. He doesn?t want you to be anybody else. God specifically, before you were even born, before your parents even thought of you, chose what genetic material would make you up. Your parents may have thought you were an accident, but God didn?t think you were an accident. He designed you. And He had a plan. And regardless of the circumstances of your birth, God wanted to make you so He got certain genes together. He designed those genes. You actually have designer genes. Designed by God. You are a prescription baby because you were prescribed at birth by God.
God wants you to be you. He doesn?t want you to be anybody else. If you don’t be you, the world is at a loss. The problem is most people start off as originals and end up as carbon copies. We look around and say, “I like the way she wears her hair? I like the car he drives? I like the way she prays? ” And we end up being a conglomeration of other people, losing the uniqueness that God meant for us to have. God wants you to be you. Every time you go around and you start comparing, inevitably you?re going to start competing. “I need to be better in this? I need to be like that?” so God says just don?t do it.
When you compare yourself with someone, you always find somebody that?s doing a better job than you and you get discouraged, depressed and think, “I?ll never be that.” Or you always find people who you?re doing a better job than and you get full of ego ? pride ? “Look how good I am!” Either way you?re dead in the water. Discouragement and pride are wrong. God says don?t do it. Don?t compare your husbands. Don’t compare your cars. Don’t compare your kids. Don?t compare your wives. Don?t compare your jobs. Because you are unique. Nobody else can be you. So why would you want to be anybody else?
That is a dramatic stress reliever. You are unique. The second reason you shouldn?t compare is:
ii. It makes you miserable. It is the source of all envy and bitterness. Nothing depreciates your car faster than your next door neighbor getting a new one. You look and say, “What a piece of junk I got!” Stop comparing.
Galatians 6:4, “Let everyone be sure to do his very best for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work done well and he won?t need to compare himself with somebody else.” You don’t have to be the best. You just have to do your best. When you get to heaven, God isn?t going to say, “Were you the best?” No, He?s going to say, “Did you do your best? Given the circumstances, the talent, the abilities, the opportunities wherever I put you in the world. Did you do your best?”
Are you tired of that performance trap of always trying to measure up and it?s never good enough? So you?ve got to do more than you did last year. You?ve got to cram more in than you?ve thought possible. You?re always competing, always working. Then you need to do these things: recognize your uniqueness and stop comparing yourself to other people. Then the second thing even more important is?
2. Remember God?s unconditional love.
Remember that God loves me unconditionally. It?s not based on my performance. You don?t have to prove that you?re somebody because God already says that you?re somebody. He made you. Jesus died for you. God loves you. That means you?re somebody. You don?t have to prove it to yourself, your dad, your mom, your neighbor, your wife, your husband or anybody else. You?re somebody. You recognize God?s unconditional love.
There are many verses in the Bible on this but I like this one. Romans 5:8 “God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us [that?s how He showed His love. He sent Christ to die for us] while we were still sinners.” Question: When did God start loving you? When you got it all together and really had it perfect? No, because you haven?t done that yet. You still don?t have it together. When did God start loving you? When you promised that never again you?d sin? No. That?s a promise you?ll break.
When did God start loving you? While we were yet sinners. When you were turning your back on God, when you didn?t even know there was a God. When you were thumbing your nose and saying, “I’m going to be my own God. I’m going to call my own shots.” God was loving you even then. In the middle of the worst thing you?ve ever done, God was loving you then. Because His love is unconditional based on His grace.
I heard about this guy who died and gets to heaven and he goes up to St. Peter and Peter says, “Let?s take the test and let you in.” The guy says, “Test? I didn?t know there was a test.” “Oh, yeah and you?ve got to get a hundred points.” “I didn?t know this. This is a surprise.” Peter says, “Tell me what you?ve done on earth.” He said (and he gets a little prideful), “I served for twenty years with Mother Teresa in the streets of Calcutta.” Peter says, “Ok, one point.” “One point!” “What else have you done?” “I raised six kids who all ended up being missionary doctors.” “Ok, one point.“ “One point! That took half my life to get that done.” “Anything else you?ve done?” “Before I died I willed my entire inheritance to my church to be used for the feeding of the poor and the hungry.” Peter goes, “Great! One point.” Man says, “I’m not going to make it! All I?ve got left is the grace of God.” Peter says, “Bingo! Hundred points!”
It?s the only way you?re going to make it into heaven, by trusting in the grace of Jesus Christ. You can?t be good enough to get into a perfect place. You just can?t. It?s either going to be accepting the grace of Jesus Christ, God?s Son or you?re not getting in. You can?t earn your way in. You need to accept the unconditional love of God.
Many of you know that God loves you unconditionally but you?ve never felt it. Even those of you who have been Christians for a long time, you?ve never felt it. How can you feel the unconditional love of God?
You need to get into a small group with other Christians who can support you and show God?s love to you. Are you in a small group? You need people to help you through the stresses of life. Who are the friends that are close enough to you that you can really be right honest with? Who are you helping?
Inside the bulletin this morning is a flyer about our small group ministry here at HPC. On the front are a list of small groups that are currently meeting, when & where they are meeting. If you are not a part of group then I would like you to take a moment at some point after the service a fill out your name and what group you would like to be a part of ? The hosts of that group will be in touch with you about their next meeting. Don?t neglect the opportunity to meet in a group.
If you?re already in a small group, or have participated in small group ministry before – you already know the value of this. But I need you to do me a favor. If you?re already in a group on the front side, would you check the box, “I’m willing to consider hosting a small group.” If we are going to reach our goal of having everybody in this church connected in a small group then we need more groups and so we need more groups. If you could say, “Yes, I?ll host a new group because I know the value of it,” let me know that and I can get in touch with you.
There?s no doubt that there are people here today, some of you are on the verge of burnout. You?re stressed out by one of these three things we talked about or some other thing in your life. There?s no reason for you to carry that stress. The Bible says, “Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you.” He will care for you if you will trust Him.