Read at beginning of service:
Ephesians 4:11-32
INTRODUCTION
I want to make a change in your notes. Notice the title is “Clear Thinking about Your Relationships”. In light of the fact that we all struggle a little bit, let?s set a more realistic goal. Lets add an “e” and an “r” to the end of the word clear so that it reads, “Clearer thinking about your relationships”.
That?s really the goal. If we could just think a little bit more clearly, it could make an incredible difference. This thing of relationship is that area of life where you and I struggle with the greatest highs and also the greatest lows of life. 1 Corinthians 13:13 says “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Nothing?s more important in all this world. The greatest experiences, the greatest thrills, the greatest joys that have come into your life have come over relationships and over love.
Yet there?s also the other side. There?s also those incredible lows that are expressed in Galatians 5:15. Some of you are living right there, right now. “If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful or you will completely destroy each other.”
Relationships would be easy if we were perfect. Relationships would be easy if we never went through struggles. But our lives are filled with struggles when it comes to relationships. What do you do when things aren?t going great? What do you do when you?re faced with frustration and you just don?t know where to turn next? What do you do when you?re overwhelmed by hurt or anger in a relationship? What do you do when you?re filled with apathy? You just don?t care any more. What do you do when you?re confronted by confusion or you?re struggling with selfishness?
Fortunately, God in His word gives us some advice for real world relationships, the kind that we live with and struggle with everyday. Anybody can make a relationship work in a 250-page paperback novel. Anybody can make a relationship work in a 90-minute Hollywood movie. But God talks about the kind of relationships in His Word that you and I have to live with every day. The real struggles, the real life of relationships. Here?s some practical ideas today from God?s word how to get through the tough days in a relationship. Here?s some practical advice about how to make it when everything seems to be falling apart. Some advice about how to fall back in love after you?ve fallen out of love. Advice about how to learn to love an imperfect person. What do you do when it?s not all working perfectly? When you feel frustrated? When you feel like, What step do we take next?
1. You thank God for our differences.
Some of the greatest frustration that we face in relationships and one of the greatest ways we can begin to think in a clearer way is to recognize that God made us to be different. Would you agree that parents and teenagers sometimes think differently? Would you agree that men and women, husbands and wives sometimes think differently? This difference is at times the cause of great delight but at other times it?s the cause of incredible agony. God made us to be different. That’s the incredible truth that?s behind this. He did it on purpose.
Genesis 1:27 at the very beginning of the Bible, “So God created man in His own image. In the image of God He created him male and female He created them.” He made us purposefully to be different ? husbands and wives ? not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. We think differently. We work differently. We shop differently. We even watch television differently.
The HonorBound PBC men?s breakfast is coming up on January 22 and it never ceases to amaze me how different men?s and women?s gatherings can be. When men get together the significant issue is, “What?s to eat?” That?s really the main issue at those at a lot of our gatherings. If it?s meat and a lot of it, God?s going to do something that day. Women?s gatherings are different. They get together and they make things and they put on little name tags things. You?re not going to see a bunch of men wearing one of these when they get together. It?s not going to happen.
We are made incredibly different. In spite of all the evidence that we?re so different, we still get frustrated by the differences. We hit the wall and we say to ourselves, “Why can?t she see it exactly the way that I do?” ? because God made her to be different. Ladies you may hit the wall and say, “He is so stubborn! Why can?t he see it my way?” ? because God made us to be different. You?ve heard that if two people agree on everything one of them isn?t necessary anyway.” So to reduce the frustration you stop fighting reality.
We are different. God made us to be different. In fact, He made men and women to be different in a marriage not to frustrate us but to complete us. So that Kerryanne, my wife, can give me an idea that I would never have, to help me grow in a way that I would never grow. Do you realize that sometimes it takes both of you to figure out your relationship? It takes both of you to come up with the whole truth? One of the greatest moral choices you?ll ever make is to thank God for our differences. That?s one of the things that makes relationships work.
Romans 15:7, “Accept one another then just as Christ accepted you in order to bring praise to God.” When I accept you as different, when you accept me as different and enjoy those differences, the Bible says that brings praise to God. Why? Because He made us to be different. When we enjoy those differences that brings praise and glory to Him.
How about those times when it?s not the differences that?s the frustrating factor but the difficulties? It?s the faults of the other person. What do you do then? Sometimes we need to accept one another and the fact that we?re different but there are other times when it?s really a struggle that someone else is going through that we need to work through. What do you do then?
2. YOU GO TO GOD WITH YOUR DISAPPOINTMENTS.
Ephesians 4:2, “Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other?s faults because of your love.” Sometimes that?s what love does ? makes allowances for somebody else?s faults. Notice it does not say, “make excuses for somebody else?s faults.” That?s not what this is saying. Making allowance for somebody else?s faults doesn?t mean you say it?s ok for you to stay in that sin, for you to stay with that problem. It means you say it?s ok for it to take time. It does mean that you recognize that it takes time and patience for us to grow.
When you?re disappointed in a relationship what do you do? You go to God with your disappointments. Sometimes those disappointments are over the fact that none of us are perfect. That person you married or that child that you had or that friendship you had, that person is not perfect.
Sometimes though the fault is nobody?s fault. Sometimes it?s the world we live in that disappoints us. Sometimes we?re disappointed by our own image about how things should be. Oftentimes when it comes to relationships we get this perfect image of how a relationship should work. We think we?re going to have a perfect wedding, a perfect honeymoon, come back to a perfect house, a perfect yard and a perfect kitchen, and we?re going to raise perfect kids and they?re going to go off to their perfect lives and we?re going to sail off to a perfect retirement. How many of you got as far as the perfect wedding in that scenario? I know nobody got to the perfect honeymoon. There?s no such thing. Life is not perfect. Yet we grow up sometimes with this idealized image of this perfect romance. In fact, we?re inundated by images of what a perfect relationship is like. It may be good entertainment but that?s not real. That?s not how life works. Sometimes we grow up with these images and we?re disappointed that something that never was going to happen, doesn?t happen. What do you do with the disappointments? It didn?t turn out like I expected. Not at all like I expected. Not my marriage, some of you are thinking. Not my kids? not this friendship? What do you do with them?
You go to God with your disappointments. The beginning point is recognizing that He can meet needs that no one else can meet. One of the reasons we are vastly disappointed in a relationship is we expect people to meet needs in our life that only God can meet. And so of course we?re disappointed. You expect a person to be perfect? Only God is perfect! He?s the only one that can meet that need in your life. Don?t expect any person to be what no person could be or of course you?ll be disappointed. Go to God. You expect a person to always be there for you? Only God can always be there. He?s the only one who?s everywhere all the time. So sometimes we?re disappointed because we?re asking too much. We?re asking people to do things they can never do. You?re asking a person to never fail you? Your husband will fail you. Your wife will fail you. Your kids will fail you. Your parents will fail you. They?re not perfect. You?re not perfect. Only God will never fail.
When you begin to allow God to meet the needs that only He can meet in your life, then you begin to reduce the disappointments with the other relationships of life. When you face the disappointments, a choice hits you. You?re either going to bail out or stick it out. When you said, “I do,” or you had that new baby or you started that friendship, all you thought about was the promise that was in that relationship. But right now some of you are face to face with the disappointment that?s a part of that relationship. What are you going to do now? What about the unexpected surprises of life?
1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.” That?s real life. You face real disappointments. Where are you going to find the strength to not give up? Where are you going to find the power to endure through every circumstance? You go to God with your disappointments. You let Him meet needs that only He can meet in your life. And you let Him give you the strength and the power to love in a way you?ve never loved before. Life did not, for some of you, turn out at all like you expected. You?re facing it right now. Go to God with those disappointments. Watch Him give you the strength, the strength that only He can give, a strength that you don?t have in yourself right now to not give up. Watch Him do something with that relationship that you would never have dreamed even in the midst of the disappointments. That?s the power He has.
What about those times when you don?t feel disappointment, you don?t feel hurt, you don?t feel anger. The truth is you just don?t feel anything any more. It?s just apathy. What about those times when a mom or a dad has just lost all feeling for one of their kids? What about those times when a husband no longer loves a wife or a wife no longer loves a husband? Or when a child no longer loves their parents? What do you do then?
3. TRUST GOD WITH YOUR FEELINGS
Recognize that when we don?t feel anything we have a God who can be trusted to restore those feelings. Psalm 62:8, “Trust God all the time. Tell Him all your problems because God is our protection.” I can trust God because as it says in Hebrews 10 :23, “We can trust God to do what He promised.”
The word “love” ? is it a feeling or an action? It?s both. Love is a feeling, the way I feel in a relationship. But it?s also a way that I act. There are times when the feeling is gone and all you have left is the action. What do you do then? The only way then for the feeling to be restored is you need to act in love. If you continue to act in love eventually the feelings will come back.
Some of you may be thinking, “Isn?t that being hypocritical?” No, it?s being human. The truth is, the feelings in our life go up and down for all of us. Have any of you felt in love every minute of your marriage? No. It doesn?t work that way. Because the feelings go up and down there are times we act in love counting on God to keep His promise and restore the feeling moment by moment.
There are lots of ways and reasons why feelings die in a relationship. But one of the reasons is we start to live with a lie. There comes a point in our relationship as husband and wife or with my kids or in a friendship where we see a problem, it?s right there in front of us but instead of dealing with it, we start to pretend it?s not there. Everyone knows that it?s there but everyone?s pretending that it?s not there. The longer you pretend that problem isn?t there, the longer you?re silent about that problem, the more you?re going to struggle with loss of feelings in a relationship.
Listen to this news story I came across in a message I read to prepare for this sermon. It sounds like a joke at the beginning but it really is a news story that came out this last week. A guy named Ray decided he was going to spend an alcohol free Christmas Eve. He decided to spend it in a monastery with some monks. But he was tempted and he brought in some wine. He drank quite a bit of the wine and got drunk and about midnight he started to sing at the top of his lungs every Christmas song that he knew. These monks take a twelve-hour vow of silence every night so none of them could tell him to shut up. They had to lay there and listen to him sing all night long. The father of the monastery said he observed a vow of silence but it wasn?t a very silent night.
Isn?t that crazy? To take a vow of silence so you can?t talk about a problem and solve it?
Some of you took a vow of silence a long time ago in a relationship. A long time ago you decided, “We?re not going to talk about that any more.” And the longer you don?t talk about it the more the feelings are going to drain out of your life. You don?t have to suffer in silence. One of the reasons that feelings die is ignoring a problem and pretending it?s not there. The longer you pretend the more the feelings are going to die. You would be shocked at how many people get divorced just because no one in the relationship has the courage to say, “We have a problem here.” You?d be shocked how many people get divorced to avoid an argument, as crazy as that sounds. Are you going to be the one who stands up and says, “I’m going to break this vow of silence. We do have a problem. Let?s start to work on it. Let?s get some help.” You?re thinking, “There?s going to be an argument if I say that.” Of course there is. But you?ve suffered in silence long enough and when you stop the silence and begin to deal with the problem, then the feelings can begin to return.
Lamentations 5, “Turn us around and bring us back to You again. That is our only hope. Give us back the joys we used to have.” That?s a verse about our relationship with God. For some of you, that?s where you need to start. Ask Him to bring back the joys you used to have in your relationship with Him. Once you?ve done that, ask Him to bring back the joys you used to have in your relationship with other people. Trust God with your feelings. No one is better than God at turning things around.
4. ASK GOD FOR HIS DIRECTION
He?s the one who invented relationships ? marriage, families, friendships ? yet sometimes we fail to ask the universe?s expert for advice when we most need it. He?s willing to give it. James 1:6, “If you need wisdom, if you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that you really expect Him to answer.” Circle “ask Him” ? ask Him “Should we get married or not?” Ask Him “What?s the next step in our marriage? ? How do we get through this problem?” Ask Him, “What should I say to my kids? ? How do we get over this block in our friendship?” Ask Him.
Then circle the phrase “He will gladly tell you.” The question is How? When you ask Him for advice, how does He let you know what to do next?
The two top ways ? How do you hear what God has to say?
1. You hear it through this book, the Bible. He wrote it to us to give us advice. As we looked at it today, there?s incredible advice about relationships. This book is filled with advice. Some of it is not easy to take but it?s good advice.
For instance, there?s a place where the Bible says that someone who is a believer in Christ and wanting to follow Him and someone who?s not a believer in Christ, not wanting to follow Him, that those two people shouldn?t get married. That?s hard advice for some to take, I know. “But we?re in love.” I could tell you story after story that being in love is not enough. You need more than that to build a life on. Why would God give this type of advice? Because He knows if two people aren?t heading in the same spiritual direction they?re going to be in for some incredible suffering and struggles in their life. So He gives us advice.
Is God really interested in stuff like this? Is he interested in stuff about relationships and marriage? “But be sure in deciding these matters that you?re living as God intended, marrying or not marrying in accordance with God?s direction and help and accepting whatever situation that God has put you into.” Of course He?s interested. The first place you look is in His word.
2. The next place you look is advice from other believers, other people who are trying to follow His word. Have you noticed when it comes to relationships there are lots of people willing to give you advice about your relationship? Lots of people. I?d look for people who have some good relationships, a bit of a good track record, people who are trying humbly to say, “God, what do You want me to do in a relationship?”
As you listen to that advice from either source, I want to go to one phrase in that last verse we looked at. You accept whatever situation that God has put you into. I know some who hear this and think, “I’m not sure I made the right decision in the past.” And they begin to struggle with that. I know people who?ve been married 20-25 years still wondering if they married the right person. That?s why this phrase is put in this verse for us. “Accept whatever situation God has put you into.” When you married the person you?re married to now, the moment you married, they became God?s person for you. You don?t have to worry about that any more. Build on that relationship and some of the good advice God gives us and His direction in His word.
5. LOOK TO JESUS AS YOUR EXAMPLE
You bring a new baby home and that new baby tends to cry sometimes at night. Mom gets up at 1:00, 2:00. Maybe it?s crying at 4:00. If a husband were unselfish, when they woke up at 4:00 they?d think, “She?s gotten up twice. I’m going to get up.” And they?d hop out of bed. But sometimes, husbands even though they wake up in that situation, they pretend they?re asleep. (I read this happened somewhere!) Why do we do that? Because at our core we struggle with selfishness. All of us do. Let?s admit that.
Instead of us today saying here?s a formula for you becoming entirely unselfish by tomorrow ? because that?s not going to happen ? instead look at an example and power that can help us make one unselfish choice. That can create an incredible change in our lives.
If unselfishness is one of the keys to better relationships, how do I become more unselfish? Two ways. One gets us started but you need the second to really be unselfish.
1) One of the ways you become unselfish is by giving yourself a selfish reason for being unselfish. That works very well. You say to yourself, “If I don?t get up with that baby at 4:00 a.m., she?s not going to talk to me for a week.” Give yourself a reason. Is there anything wrong with this? No. God does it for us all the time in the Bible. He says, “If you make this right choice to be holy I’m going to bring joy in your life.” He always gives us the positive benefits of making the right choices. But that doesn?t go far enough. There will always be times in our lives when we can?t figure out a selfish reason to make the right choice. There?s always going to be times in our lives that even though we know the right choices, we can?t find the strength to make it. Where do you turn then?
2) You need a better example. The example of Jesus Christ, the only true unselfish person to ever walk this world. Jesus Christ came into this world not for His own sake but for our sake. Jesus Christ came into this world, the only one ever who didn?t say, “What?s in it for me?” He?s God, He?s perfect. He came and gave Himself for us to give us not only a better example but also a greater power. An example is one thing. But Jesus came to live in this world so that I could have a relationship with Him here and now, so that I could look at His example and in my relationship with Him, have the power and strength to make at least one unselfish choice I might not have made this next week.
Ephesians 4:32, talks about this “Be kind and loving to each other and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ.” How in the world are you going to find the power to forgive somebody who hurt you? You can?t figure out a selfish reason to do that. There is no reason. Except for the fact that you need forgiveness. And except for the fact that He has forgiven you.
When I see how much Jesus has forgiven me for it gives me the strength to forgive somebody else.
The Bible says in Philippians 2, “Don?t be selfish. Don?t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.” Where are you going to find the strength to do that? The verse ends by saying, “Your attitude should be the kind that was shown by Jesus Christ who though He was God did not demand and cling to His rights as God.”
I read a heartwarming story about this, this week. A couple of little boys ? Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3 ? are setting down to breakfast. Their mom is bringing pancakes. She brings them the first pancake and they both grab for it. The mom decides this is a great moment to teach them a moral lesson. She says, “If Jesus were here, He would give His brother the first pancake. Then He?d sit and wait patiently.” So Kevin looks at his little brother and says, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”
Isn?t that one of the great questions of life? Who?s going to be Jesus in the situation? Who?s going to be the one that?s going to make the unselfish choice in the situation? I?ve found that sometimes I need to be the one that makes the unselfish choice but sometimes someone makes an unselfish choice for me and changes my life.
We?re not talking about being perfect. We?re all going to struggle with selfishness the rest of our lives. But we are talking about the power of one unselfish act. Do you realize, that just doing one thing unselfishly this next week because of the example of Jesus Christ and the power He gives can change everything in your family? One unselfish act. One unselfish word. It can change everything. Sometimes everything hinges on that one moment of unselfishness. Write off the ideas of perfection and ask instead for growth, ask instead for doing one thing differently this next week ? the same thing in a slightly clearer way.
Where are you going to find the power to do that? Not in yourself. Not even in just Jesus? example. You find the power in your relationship with Him. In that relationship with Him you find the satisfaction and the joy that enables you to be unselfish in your relationship with others. When you look at how much He has forgiven you for, you have the strength to forgive others. When I see how patient He is with me to grow, how He waits for me to grow, I have the strength to be patient to wait for somebody else as they grow. When you see how Jesus Christ is honest about our faults in a gentle way, you find the strength and the skill to be honest with somebody else in a gentle way. When you see the fact that Jesus Christ went to a cross and willingly sacrificed His life just because He loves us, you find the strength to sacrifice some of your time for somebody else.
This final verse sums up everything we talked about. 1 John 3:18 “Let us stop just saying we love people. Let us really love them and show it by our actions.”
What are you going to do? If this is just inspiration without any action it doesn?t really mean anything. What are you going to do? Who are you going to talk to this next week? What silence are you going to break this next week? Who are you going to pick up the phone and give a call to this next week? What are you going to do this next week? What one unselfish act or word is going to happen this next week?